7 Things I Will Never Understand About Spanish.

Just some things I will never comprender.

Spanish: the language of the sexy señores and señoritas that we so desperately wish to emanate in our every day lives. There is something about these Latin lovelies that makes their every move, every word, every breathe, a pinnacle of erotic perfection that we, particularly those of us from the Northern European neck of the woods, just cannot seem to grasp.

Their language is nothing more to us than a slur of sensuality that not only helps complete their alluring aura but also to completely seduce us, causing us to attempt to master its complicated ways. Which is not as easy as it might appear. As is always the case with all things so damn bright and beautiful, there is more to this language than it appears on the surface. In fact, a hell of a lot more. So much so that, despite having dedicated a large portion of my life to studying this language, there are still elements of it that I still haven't managed to quite grasp. And it's rather annoying.

Although español will never stop being the sexy little tongue that utterly captured my heart, there are some aspects of it that will always leave me feeling less calienteand more pretty miffed off...ey. Here are just some of them:

1. The Masculine/Feminine Debacle.

This is all very well and good, and yes, I know, not something unique to Spanish. But where is the logical sense in the gender assignations in this loco language? For instance, why the hell is a handbag masculine?!? I am all for gender non-conformity, but this seems like something its speakers could have thought about to the make the lives of us poor, suffering, non-native speakers slightly easier...

2. The Forever Painful and Annoying Subjunctive "Mood".

Aptly named as it is definitely one area of Spanish that never fails to put me in a mood. Where do I even begin with this nonsensical sort-of tense that makes absolutely no sense? So you believe you need a separate mode of expression and set of tenses to highlight the uncertainty of a situation, do you Spain? Well, let me remind you of something: NOTHING IN LIFE IS CERTAIN!

Stop making me waste my time figuring out if something is a verb of reaction/expression, if there is a sneaky "que" lurking in its midst, or if there is more than one subject in my desired sentence, and just abandon this utter tomfoolery of pretending there is certainty after all. It would save many extranjeros from a great deal of stress, that's for sure.

3. The Polemical Por vs. Para Distinction.

You don't need two words for "for", Spanish. Stop being greedy. Sure, you may feel it is important to have one that can be used for "in order to" and another to also demonstrate that an object is "by" something. But it isn't. Stop being silly.

4. Ser vs. Estar

This would be perfectly reasonable if this simply obeyed the "permanent/temporary" ideology these two forms of expressing the verb "to be" are supposed to represent. Yet, unfortunately, they don't. For example, events, which we know even the most magical of which cannot last forever, belong to "ser", the to be that suggests permanence, as does the forever changing time: according to this logic, it should always be 2:53 am...But we know this not to be the case.

5. The Curious Case of the Randomly Occurring "Z".

Granted, this may just be a trait of my fellow Madrileños, but is it that this darling gente fell the need to compulsively add a "z" onto a word where it should not be present? Why is Madrid now Madriz? Since when was edad edaz? What has happened to the "d" in these words? Why do you keep taking it away from us? I miss the d (don't make that weird...).

6. The Ongoing Drama that is the "Preterite v.s Perfect Tense" Debate.

It makes sense that some actions in the past feel all too recent to be considered the "completed past" that the preterite tense usually implies; I am not arguing against the utility of the existence of the perfect tense. What, however, ruins an otherwise awesome tense, is that the distinction of when to use it is not quite clear. How long in the past need it be to be the "completed past"? This morning? Last night? What if it was an action that you did fully terminate that same day, same afternoon in fact? Is that still perfect or can we use our friend that preterite instead? Who knows. Certainly not me, that's for sure.

7. The Hideousness That is the "Double Negative".

Yes, I know many, many, many people will disagree with me on this point. But, hear me out: if you say in English "I haven't got anything", this works as a phrase. This is as it translates as "I do not have any thing in my possesion", i.e. you have no thing aka nothing. Yet "no tengo nada" is to say "I don't have nothing" i.e. I don't have no thing in my possesion - should this thus mean you have something? But it doesn't, and this boggles my poor battered brain.

Español, te amo. But seriously, sort this mess out.